Better to Have Loved
by Escritora Escondida
Summary: Cloud has loved and lost before. Even so, a certain woman keeps tempting him to love again. The question is, will he be able to handle loss a second time?
1. Chapter 1

Cloud Strife. What an incredibly fitting name, and while this might not have always been the case, he seemed to have grown into it rather well. Somehow, he had always managed to get wrapped up in one dangerous and mysterious situation after another, but he always came out all right. Physically, at least. He never spoke of what he felt, what he thought, what he believed. He was just like a cloud, beautiful and mystifying on the outside, but on the inside lay the obfuscated truth, the heart of a man who had been through so much. A heart you wished could be yours.

Sure, sometimes his cold aloofness would annoy you and you wished he would snap, just once, and let his feelings out. But then you would see the way he looked at the two happy children who would dance around his feet whenever he got home, and something in you could see the way he really was, could be, and maybe one day would be. Just that glimpse was enough to allow you to hope. No matter what people told you, no matter how mad he made you, you could always cling to the truth of his character.

"Tahri. Tahri! Are you here? Focus!" You looked down to see one of the neighborhood boys waving his red bandana in your face. Right, you'd been exploring with them when you'd taken a break to look up at the sky. It was almost sad how often your mind's wandering would lead you back to the thought of Cloud. Sighing, you stood up and brushed off your knee length, black cargo shorts and the black and white sleeveless jersey you'd carelessly flung on that morning. Clothes were never that important to you, as you'd never had a real reason to dress up. In fact, you thought it was hilarious the way some of the neighborhood's women would strut up and down the streets in one ridiculous costume or another, trying to impress one another, and oftentimes, Cloud. There had even been a brief moment when you considered it too, but he was in a league of his own, and there was no point in courting the impossible.

"Tahri! Look out!" Just then, a red ball came flying out of nowhere to smack you dead in the face. It felt a little like slow motion as you fell backwards, landing on the ground with a thump. The tinkle of children's laughter filled the air around you and you almost didn't feel like getting up. Groaning, you opened your eyes when you realized there was a shadow cast over your face, blocking out the sun. A halo of light surrounded the spiky blonde head of hair that towered over you. The shadow walked around you, then offered a hand for assistance. Though the bright sun obscured your vision, you could feel the smirk that must have graced your helper's face all the while. Instead of taking it, you bucked and jumped up on your own two feet.

"Thanks anyway, Cloud." He nodded, silent but still clearly amused at your little demonstration. Before you embarrassed yourself by blushing, the still snickering pack of neighborhood boys you often played with drew your gaze in a different direction. "I'd love to chat but I have to go teach a lesson to a very unruly group of kids." The side of your lip curled up into an evil grin as you stepped around him, setting your sights on the closest unsuspecting boy. Pulling your arm back like a pitcher, you twisted, then flung the ball at the kid's head, hitting him just right so that after the ball made contact, he stumbled into the two boys next to him. Of course, you didn't throw it that hard, so they weren't hurt, but they had to remember who was boss.

Immediately an impromptu game of dodge ball began and you and the boys ran up and down the main street, occasionally ducking into an alleyway, to avoid the bright red ball, laughing all the while. The game died down after a while and morphed into another one. You played with the boys for several hours before excusing yourself to go inside. After a short walk down the street, the friendly hum of Tifa's bar, Seventh Heaven, and a soothing blast of conditioned air greeted your tired and sweaty body.

"Hey Tifa, I'm here. Let me grab some water and you can put me to work." No one answered, so, after pulling out a bottle of water from under the bar, you went through the door to the back room in search of the owner of the establishment. Instead of the dark haired woman, you found Cloud, slouched in the big, comfy chair with the television humming quietly in the background, sleeping. At least you thought he was sleeping since his sunglasses hid his eyes from view. Sighing quietly, you shook your head at him and walked over to turn off the television. On your way out of the room, you paused to look at the quietly sleeping man in the chair. His mouth was slightly open so that you could hear his quiet breathing, and, entranced, watch his chest rise in fall at the same pace. You took a step forward, hoping you might be able to run your fingers through his hair, if only to feel the warm silk of his golden spikes, just once.

"You know, I was watching that." You nearly jumped out of your skin when he said that, sitting up in the chair to look at you, the glint of humor in his eyes.

"Jeez Cloud, you scared the bejeebles out of me."

He lifted his sunglasses off of his face so that you could see his intelligent and deep, blue eyes, and the way he cocked one eyebrow up to look at you.

"I scared the…bejeebles out of you? Right. That's really lame, and not even a real word."

"Shut up."

"Putting that aside, what were you about to do?"

"Huh?" You prayed he hadn't noticed you moving to touch his hair.

"Just before I scared you, you were reaching for something, what was it?"

You froze, your heart racing, trying to think of something. "Oh, nothing. You had something in your hair." You reached for his head again, this time pulling out an invisible fuzzball and throwing it behind your shoulder.

"Did you get it?"

"Nope, there's a little bit more." You stuck your hand in his hair again, and gave it a light tug.

"Ow!"

"That's what you get for scaring me." You paused to shoot him your mischievous smile before changing the subject. "By the way, have you seen Tifa? I was supposed to help out today, but she wasn't out front."

"She said she had a few errands to run. She asked that you run the bar for a few hours until she gets back." You simply nodded, said your thanks, then turned to leave.

"Hey Tahri?" Cloud said from behind you.

"Yeah?" You turned to look at him again. His face was serious, as though he were struggling to say something, then shook his head and put on his trademark smirk. It was only trademark because he rarely did it so it was the same one every time. "Way to take a ball to the face. I haven't seen such grace in years."

You let out an indignant grunt and whirled on your heel to stomp out of the room. You weren't actually mad, it was just so embarrassing to know he had seen that spectacular blunder. The only way to hide your burning face was to rush out of the room, angry or otherwise. Goodness forbid he witness you blushing too. One humiliating event was enough for the day. In an attempt to cool down and regain some composure, you went about the routine of setting up the bar for opening.


	2. Chapter 2

The day had been good, the regulars seemed to be in an overall good mood and had been free with their greetings and conversation. The amount of strangers had been quite large as well, but you didn't mind as they had been pretty free with their tips. Only two of them had tried to hit on you. Not because you were pretty, you knew better than that, but because they had been very drunk. Tifa returned about halfway through the shift and the two of you had finished out the night. It had been a fairly ordinary evening, save for the vague feeling that someone had been studying you as you worked, but you were too busy with customers to investigate.

When the bar finally closed, the exhaustion you had fought for the last hour crushed you and turned your thoughts towards the warm bed at home. You wiped off the last counter and shouted to Tifa in the back that you were about to leave. She came out, wiping her hands off with a towel, the murmurs of the television screen following her through the door.

"You sure you want to walk home by yourself? It's pretty late, and you never know what could happen. Just last week I heard one of the regulars saying…"

"Tifa. I'll be fine." You said, cutting her off. She began to protest, but you simply held up your hand. "I've been out far later in far more dangerous areas before, Tifa, I'll be okay. You know I can take care of myself. Besides, I'm almost twenty!" She still seemed to be concerned, so you were surprised when she suddenly turned to walk out of the room without another word. Shrugging, you continued with your task until the last table had been cleared. When she returned, Cloud was standing beside her.

"I know you're a big girl, but just humor me, alright? Cloud is going to walk with you halfway, just until he can see your house, and you can walk the rest of the way by yourself."

Eyes shifting to the figure clothed in black next to her, something, everything, inside you jumped for joy. He stood, calm and solemn, looking powerful even at rest, and you knew you'd be safe. "Why would I be any safer with Cloud? He's only two years older than me, and I know how to fight too!"

She looked at you and put on that face. You know, _that_ face. The one that made you want to punch her just before you did as she asked. Yeah, that face. "Please, for me?"

"Whatever." You mumbled under your breath, throwing the dirty rag into the bucket behind the counter before disappearing into the back room for a moment to grab your black jacket. It was a great jacket. You'd had it for years, and woven in with each fiber were so many memories, you just couldn't bear to lose it. It was like a portable safety blanket. It was also a great excuse to leave the room so they wouldn't see how excited you were to walk with Cloud. You tugged it on, then pushed through the door to the main room and nodded in the man's direction, letting him know you were ready.

Most of the walk home was quiet and uneventful, until Cloud wrapped his arm around your waist as you walked, pulling you closer into his side.

"W…What are you doing?" You whisper-yelled at him, not wanting to draw attention to yourself.

"Just trust me." He replied, still looking straight ahead, calm and collected as ever.

"What the heck kind of answer is that? Just trust me? Really?" You weren't actually mad that he was holding your waist, in fact you were elated. What you were hiding was the ever darkening blush that was spreading across your face.

"At the next shop window, look in the reflection. You should see two men in brown shirts. They're following us. And rather poorly I must admit." He replied, his voice still at a casual whisper. You did as he said and immediately spotted the barely concealed tails. You nodded to let Cloud know you had seen them before walking on. Because you knew the area near your house, you took a couple of shortcuts to confuse the trackers. As soon as your house came into view, a sigh of relief escaped your lips as Cloud let go of your side. Sure, you felt just a little bit colder, but that was a sacrifice you were willing to make to escape from one of the most awkward situations of your life.

You mumbled a thanks, still trying to conceal your blush, then turned and walked towards the house. About three-fourths of the way there you heard Cloud yelling your name, and something else you couldn't quite make out. You turned to look at him, confused. He was sprinting in your direction, stretching out his hand, which is when you felt a heavy thud on your head, and the jolt of an arm against your stomach pulling you onto some sort of motorcycle, before sinking into the familiar comforts of unconsciousness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Cloud's POV**

I was walking her home, not that she thought she needed it, but I was happy to do it anyway. Tifa had come to the back to ask me to walk her, but I had overhead their conversation and started to pack up my things before she had walked through the door. I'd never tell her, but I followed her home every night, not to be creepy, but to make sure she got home safe. Anyways, I was a little disappointed to see that Tahri was mildly annoyed that I had to walk with her. She ignored us for a moment as she continued to wipe off the table, and all I could do was watch in silent appreciation.

Tahri's hair was pulled back into her ever-present ponytail, with several loose strands falling gently across her neck. The sun had already set hours ago, but the light of the bar glinted off her black hair, oddly tinted with a shade of purple that matched her eyes. When she looked up I stared into them, lost to all else for a moment, as she studied Tifa and I. She didn't say a word when she walked past the two of us into the back room, but I caught a whiff of her scent. Lavender and sunshine rolled over me in a soft wave and I couldn't help but be happy. Tifa gave me a weird look and I realized that I had almost smiled, almost, so I quickly rearranged my face to its customary blankness.

While walking we didn't say anything for the most part, and I was grateful for it. It had been a long while since small talk had been required of me, and I feared that if pressed, I would make a complete fool of myself. About halfway there, I discarded my anxious thoughts when I recognized two men who had been in the bar earlier that day, following us. Amateurs. They didn't even bother to hide. Instinctively, I grabbed Tahri and pulled her close, thinking that they would leave her alone if they believed she was with someone. Unfortunately, the gravity of my actions didn't hit me until after it had already been done. I tried to play it cool, showing her our overt companions, and pretending that my nerves weren't going crazy at her proximity. Her hair tickled the skin of my arm, her scent flooded my nostrils, the melody in her voice as she carried on conversation as though me holding her was the most natural thing in the world, made it difficult for me to concentrate on anything else. As soon as she could see her house she took a step away from me and, against the will of my heart, I dropped my arm so she could go.

She mumbled her thanks, and quickly turned to go to her house. I wished that I could have said something to her then, something that would make her smile, something that would make her laugh, something, anything, that could make her stay with me, but I was at a loss.

She couldn't have been more than twenty feet from her home when I saw two large motorcycles tear around the corner, gunning for her. At first glance, I saw suits, and thought it was the Turks, but this wasn't their style, something was off about it. I yelled, trying to get to her as fast as I could, but I wasn't fast enough. One bashed her over the head, and the other swept by, yanking her limp body onto the bike and driving off. I couldn't do a thing. I was losing someone again, and I was just as helpless to prevent it.

**Tifa POV**

They had left the bar a while ago, and I was happy for them. Cloud needed someone like Tahri. She was tough, and could match him blow for blow, but she could give him a light he didn't have on his own. _Ha. Listen to me, talking about light and dark as if I'm Cloud._ I chuckled at the empty bar room, thinking about everything the group of us had been through, when suddenly the doors burst open and the spiky haired blonde himself flew into the room. I would have made some sarcastic comment about his dramatic entrance, but the look on his face made me forget fun and games.

"Cloud? What's wrong?"

He walked past me and I followed him into the back room. He strode from one side of the room to the other, assembling his gear as though he were going off to war.

"They took her, damn it! I don't know who. She was almost to her house." He stopped, suddenly lost as it replayed in his head. "She was so close to home, I thought she'd be alright. I thought…" His voice was little more than a whisper now, "It's happening again, and it's my fault. Again." Then, his face hardened and he clenched the jacket he held in his hand, before throwing it on in one grand gesture, grabbing his belongings, and storming out of the room.

"Cloud, wait!" He whirled on his heel, fury and determination rolling off him so thick I could feel it. The look in his eyes left no room for discussion, so I didn't argue. I went behind the bar, and reached under to a secret compartment I kept there. I pulled out a pouch full of gil, and a few other emergency items that anyone might need. He took it from me, and I hugged him and followed him to the door, watching him mount his motorcycle, Fenrir, and blaze off into the night.


	4. Chapter 4

_Shout out to DragonSlayer2187! My silent encouragement! _

_- Escondida_

**Tifa's POV**

I didn't see him again for two weeks, and when he came back he looked tired and depressed. He'd found nothing, and all I could do for him was hold him, whether he wanted the comfort or not.

It continued on in this way. As soon as he got off work, or when he didn't have a delivery, he went out looking for her, questioning neighbors, friends, the children she usually played with, former employers, anyone. Each time he returned, face blank, but looking just a little more hopeless than the day before. He only slept when exhaustion gave him no choice, and when he grew restless he would disappear for several hours, probably going to Aerith's church. And there was nothing I could do.

**3rd Person POV**

It had been two months since she had disappeared, and most of the townspeople had lost hope. But Cloud continued to go out, day after day, this time traveling farther to find any new information. When I heard the door creak open, I assumed he had just come back from another trip, until I remembered he had returned an hour earlier. I looked up from under the bar where I was working to fix one of the taps, expecting to see a customer who had arrived too late, but instead a cloaked figure stood in the doorway.

"Can I help you?" I said, warily reaching for one of the small knives I kept behind the bar.

The figure reached up to grab the hood that covered its face, and slowly pushed it back, letting it slide off to reveal what it hid beneath.

"Tahri." My thought was verbalized in the voice of another and for a moment, I wasn't sure if it had actually been said. A smile, uncharacteristically weak, but content, was her initial response to our odd greeting.

"Getting kidnapped sucks." Before the words had finished tumbling from her lips, she stumbled forward, and would have collapsed onto the floor if Cloud had not swept forward to catch her. He stood motionless, cradling her unconscious form to his body, as if he feared that any action or sound would wake him from this dream and make her disappear. In spite of her disheveled, rain soaked clothing, he held her so close the two almost seemed to blend to one. It occurred to me that Cloud needed a moment alone, and that the poor girl would need a doctor as soon as possible, so I quietly slipped from the room and shut the door softly behind me.

**Cloud's POV**

I couldn't believe my eyes, but I wanted to so badly. "Tahri." It was all I could think to say, all I wanted to say.

"Getting kidnapped sucks." Yeah, that's her all right. My Tahri. My love. For an instant she wore a shadow of her same old smile, but then her face fell and her eyes fluttered closed, and without even having to think about it, I rushed forward to catch her. I felt so many things all at once, I thought I might explode, and I was perfectly okay with it. I so glad she was safe, and yet still terrified that she didn't have the strength to stand on her own. I loved her so much, and yet I was afraid to do anything about it because I feared she might hate me for my inability to protect her. I wanted to feed her, and kiss her, and make her sleep, and stay up late talking with her forever, all at the same time. There are no real words to describe what I felt, so I just stood there, holding her in my arms.

When I felt that I could let go, I picked her up and carried her into the back and downstairs to the bedrooms, making sure everything was just right so she could be comfortable. I didn't want to leave her, not ever again if I could help it, so I pulled up a chair to the side of her bed and just watched her sleep. The last thing I remember of that night is the warmth of her hand in mine while I drifted off, listening to the easy rhythm of her breathing.

**Your POV**

For the next few weeks, Cloud was acting…strange. To say the least. Of course, he still had a business to run, so he couldn't stay with you all day, but when he came back, he always came to check on you first. He did random little things for you that might seem normal to anyone else, but really meant something coming from this person in particular. You had always prided yourself on your ability to read Cloud's expressions, when most would say there were none. But you knew. When he was happy, the edges of his lips would curl and his eyebrows would raise just a fraction of an inch; when he was mad, his face grew very still and very blank, and his eyebrows would come closer together, just the slightest bit; when he was confused, he would tilt his head to the side, just barely. Confusion was one of your favorites because his hair would shift to the side, shimmering like gold in the sunlight. It was beautiful.

Anyway, the point is that he started doing strange little things for you. It started with just being there, and then he would bring in your meals, and then he would sit and just hang out with you. One morning, you woke up to find a book that you'd once told him about, sitting on the night stand with a bookmark in it and a note from him telling you to read it. Another time, you found a vase full of flowers from some place he'd made a delivery to, and another time it was chocolates from place even farther away. It was like a dream come true, which is why it worried you. It was almost too much like a dream. Cloud Strife doesn't bring people flowers. Cloud Strife doesn't buy gifts for random people. Cloud Strife doesn't just hang out. He's serious, and driven, and cold, and quiet, and occasionally a jerk, and…well, Cloud Strife.

The thought that this all might be a dream hit you, and then the memories started to come back to you. The testing room, the lab techs in their bright orange suits and purple gloves, the needles, the chains, the pain, everything started to come back, and before you knew it, you could almost feel it all over again. Something grabbed your arms, and you vaguely registered a voice you recognized, but it wasn't enough. The strength of the memories was too great, so all you felt was one of the lab techs dragging you into the testing grounds again. You beat at him with all you had, but you remember being weak, so weak, and so afraid. The arms closed in around you, and you waited for it, for the torture to start again, but it didn't come. Instead, you heard the voice again, whispering your name, calling you out of the nightmare, and you followed it. Slowly, the mocking white walls of the testing facility faded away, along with everything else until you found yourself, cradled in the safety of Cloud's arms as he whispered in your ear that you were safe.

Still shaking, you took stock of where you were. You saw Tifa pacing anxiously in the hallway with Marlene and Denzel peeking their heads out of a doorway further down the hall. The walls were not sterile white, but the old and comfortable wood of the Seventh Heaven bar. The back room, with its familiar odd carpet and overstuffed comfy chair reminded you that you were safe. Afraid to cause more worry, you tried to tell them you were all right, but fear had closed your throat and all that came out was a broken croak. Tifa left the doorway for a moment and Cloud only held you tighter until she returned with a glass of water for you to drink.

Kneeling in front of you, she brushed the hair off your damp forehead and looked into your eyes. "What happened to you? What did they do?" You tensed, unwilling to relive the experience and inspire the inevitable concern. Besides, if they knew the things you had done, had been forced to do, they would never want to see you again. They would hate you. The thought of Cloud hating you was like a knife in the heart, both the real and the emotional one. If just thinking about it hurt, imagine what it would feel like if he actually hated you. No, you couldn't tell them everything.

"Testing." Your voice was still rough, but they could understand you now. "Apparently, there's something in my blood that makes me…resilient, so they tested different chemicals and their effects. A lot of them had…mental side effects. Nightmares, hallucinations, physical manifestations of pain. Once, after a particularly strong drug they," a shiver ran down your spine and you had to collect yourself before you could continue, "they locked me into a cell. No lights, almost no sound, except for the random ones they chose to add to the atmosphere. They had howls and scratching and screams and…I…I thought it was all in my head. It almost made me crazy." That should be enough. They didn't need to hear anymore. Turning, you pressed your face into Cloud's chest and tried to enjoy the moment as much as you could. Tomorrow, you would stop being weak, tomorrow you would stop being so dependent, tomorrow you wouldn't ask for a shoulder to lean on. But tonight, you were small, and scared, and broken.


	5. Chapter 5

You were true to your word, and after that day, you stopped hiding in the back room. Starting with little errands here and there, you worked your way back up to your old shift. People were genuinely surprised when they saw you around town again, but after several repeated assurances from you, the poorly concealed stares and not quite whispered conversations faded away and life returned to what it once was. Almost.

Cloud changed again. He was still incredibly nice to you, but you had grown accustomed to it. The difference was that every now and then you would catch him with this look on his face. Like he was hurt, or disappointed, and it was only when he looked at you. Every time you saw it you would replay the moment in your head, trying to figure out what you had done wrong. Every time you came up empty. It only got worse as time went on, which didn't help you as you were still suffering from the nightmares and the drugs. You'd never let them see it, but you were still just as hurt as you had been the day you returned to Seventh Heaven.

During the day, you would talk and laugh, sing and dance, play and run just as you had before, but in the quiet moments, when the city grew dark and the shadows turned to monsters, it was then you suffered. Nights spent rocking yourself to sleep as you cowered in a corner, small fits of insanity would bring the voices back all over again, and mild panic attacks that burned your chest and stole your breath, all became part of your ordinary. If it got too bad, you went to the same place everyone seemed to go when they were hurting. Aerith's church, or so you called it, but the solution to your problems were not at the bottom of the crystal pool. No elixir or magic could heal your wounds, for they were of a different nature. You could pretend you were whole in the light of day, but in this church lay the remains of your tattered soul. Your once bright innocence. The person you were before. You would be all right, everything would be all right, as long as you left your problems behind you when you closed the door.

The harder it got to deal with your memories, the worse your relationship with Cloud became. He'd go out more often. His speech became clipped and stiff in your presence. Conversations between the two of you were never long. When you'd enter a room, he would either ignore you, or just leave. It was killing you, but you were too strong to break down. At first, you pretended not to notice. Then it escalated to a mutual stand off, until it finally grew so bad you would fight over anything. Finally, you'd had enough.

Tifa and the rest of the bartending staff had gone out after she'd agreed to cater an event for an old friend. It had been a rough day, insomnia and constant activity combining to make you too sick and tired to do anything. Despite Tifa's nearly incessant pleading, you had managed to talk her into letting you stay back to close up the bar. You'd hoped for some sort of protest or invitation from Cloud, but luck had never really favored you. Instead, night had come and brought the memories with it.

The glass bottles called to you, promising peace and a respite from this continual grind and, for a moment, the shining amber liquid was tempting, but the thought of not knowing where it might take you, up to cloud nine or farther down the rabbit hole, was enough to deter you. Instead, you opted for a tall glass of orange juice and the company of your thoughts while you stared into the mirror that had hung behind the bar since you could remember_. In fact, they had been busy installing it the first time you happened upon the little bar. Rain had forced you indoors, but you were too far from home so you picked the least questionable establishment in this dark side of town_. As though to enhance the memory, rain started drumming on the roof and the wail of a heavy wind whistled for your attention. _Some sort of party was in progress and the mirror had obviously been a gift. Upon realizing what you had interrupted, you started to back out into the rain again until a peal of lighting and thunder, along with the silence that followed, stopped you._ Just then, the room was lit by a flash from the outside and a figure's silhouette now reflected in the glass.

Third Person POV

Her heart stopped for a moment until the lighting readjusted to illuminate the familiar figure of a blonde man. They didn't say anything at first, then she kicked herself into gear and moved to bring him further into the room.

"Hey Cloud. Why back so early?" She said, making sure her happy voice was turned on. He made no effort to reply, but continued to stare at her, looking for something. Eventually he found it, but his expression said he didn't like what he saw. He brushed passed her and started to walk towards the back room. Whether that was actually the last straw or it just so happened that her fatigue and mental suffering had been ready to tip her over the edge anyway and he just happened to be there, Tahri all of a sudden decided she'd had enough. Without registering the fact that she would never, under normal circumstances, do what she was about to do, she marched through the still swinging doors after the dark figure. He was just about to open his door when she caught up with him.

"What the heck is this Cloud? Every time I see you, you give me this look. This, you're doing something wrong, judgmental something!"

"That doesn't make any…"

"Shut up! Because I'm still talking! I haven't done anything wrong. You're driving me crazy. Do you know how much time I've wasted going over every moment we've spent together, trying to figure out what I did to you, and you know what? Nothing! I've done nothing to warrant this!"

He didn't say anything, so she kept going, but all the while she could see his expression growing darker. The logical side of her knew she should stop before something she'd regret might happen, but emotions and exhaustion clouded her mind and gave her nowhere to go but onwards. So she did, and when she finally paused to breathe and gauge his reaction, she was frozen by the deathly cold glare he seemed to be giving her.

"You want to know what you did, Tahri?"

She had used up all her energy, and while part of her wanted to yell 'of course!' all she could muster up was enough energy to nod her head and wait. Something flashed across the man's face, something like heartbreak and sorrow as he reached out to cup her cheek, rubbing it gently with his thumb. There was silence for a moment while the two simply stared at each other. She wanted so badly to know what he was thinking, what he was feeling, what could make this man act so incredibly out of character that it stunned even her. Then anger hardened his features and he dropped his hand and stepped away.

"You're a liar. A hypocrite. You've betrayed me, everyone here, and the person you once were." Each word fell like a blow, forcing her back against the wall weighing her down as she slid to the floor. He didn't stop there. "You wanted me to feel again, to trust others enough to 'let go', as you loved to throw at me over and over again. You said you wanted to see inside my head, to know what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, well, here it is! I can't even stand to look at you anymore. You've turned into a lie."

Her breath was ragged and unsteady now, and she clutched her chest, as though she could hold herself together by her own strength.

"I…I don't understand Cloud."

He chuckled bitterly, before continuing. "Every time you smile, every time you laugh, there's nothing there. I can see it. I can tell. You're just playing your part, never really experiencing it. It makes me sick to think you thought we wouldn't be able to tell. You have panic attacks and random nightmares, but if we ask, you say it's nothing. I CAN HEAR YOU! When you scream at night it doesn't seem like nothing. When I wake you up and you cling to me for fifteen minutes before you fall back asleep, it doesn't seem like nothing. What is all of this? What happened to you? You scream things about cells and drugs, and something about 21. All the time."

His voice had been raised for quite a while, so he knew that wasn't what had startled her, but as soon as he had said the number 21 she had tensed, almost as if she had stopped breathing completely. Uncontrollable shaking racked her body. Her hands clutched the side of her head as she rocked back and forth and she hummed some tune to herself, as if she could block out the world. Her eyes suddenly seemed so empty and so afraid. Whatever had been left of his fury drained out of him as fast as the blood had drained from his face when he realized what he had done to her. All the battle training, all the memories, all of his calm efficiency and grace left him as he watched her relive some nightmare. He didn't move, couldn't, but he was dying inside. That familiar guilt was creeping up inside of him, robbing him of the senses that would have pushed him into action long ago.

He heard footsteps in the main room and recognized Tifa's familiar gate. In his head he had called out to her, desperate for someone who knew what to do, but his body denied him. She walked through the door, took one glance at the situation, and immediately sprang into action. Cloud numbly followed every order she gave until he finally returned to his senses, then did everything he could and more to help.


	6. Chapter 6

Shout out to SoulNinjas for adding this story as a favorite! Glad you two liked it!

An hour later Cloud paced outside of the bedroom in which Tifa and the doctor exchanged concerned whispers over Tahri's bed as she lay, finally unconscious, in a drug induced sleep. For all he was fighting it he couldn't help but replay the night in his head over and over again like some kind of bad movie. The way she'd screamed and fought when the doctor had arrived, how she'd struggled until he'd had to hold her down himself, the way she'd looked at him, so lost and completely terrified, before she'd finally settled into sleep, had rattled him.

He was sure, now more than ever, that she had left out a few things when she'd told him what had happened to her when she'd been kidnapped. What was worse was knowing that he had caused her pain both times. If only he'd been faster, if only he'd been more aware, if only he had asked sooner, paid more attention, had listened more closely, had been more patient, hadn't yelled, it went on and on. He couldn't stop the thoughts that created daggers of guilt that stabbed him in the heart.

Even with medication, she still tossed and turned in the throes of nightmares. Every time she clutched her hands into fists, or swallowed a whimper, it was like she squeezed his heart. It got so bad for him that he couldn't even stand to be near her. The guilt rode him like a demon, choked him when he was with her and taunted him when he left. It got so bad that all he could do was leave. She slipped from hazy consciousness to medicated sleep repeatedly for three days and Cloud never appeared. Their friends could do nothing for either one of them except for watch and wait for them to reach a breaking point.

For Tahri, it came on the fourth day when her fever broke and she awoke sometime later, a little slow and dazed, but conscious. Tifa and the others took turns monitoring her until she insisted she was all right. Her episode had taken a lot out of her, but she still managed to force her way out of bed and beg some chores out of her friends. It took a few days more until she was allowed to sleep alone. Cloud still did not return.

One night, after everyone had gone home or to sleep, Tahri lay in her bed, thinking. This would be the night. She had been planning it for days and she was finally able to do it. As quietly as she could, she slipped on some clothes and tip toed down the stairs and out of the bar. Careful not to make any more noise than necessary, she pulled the bag she'd prepared from beneath the porch and disappeared into the night.

A little while later, she was cracking open the door to Aerith's church. She stopped just inside, both in deference to the sanctity of the space as well as to listen for any signs of life. Several minutes spent in stillness finally convinced her she was alone. What she didn't notice was Cloud Strife's position, concealed by the shadows he wore like a cloak. The woman seemed to wander aimlessly until she stepped into a ray of moonlight that just touched the edge of the pool that had brought so many healing not so long ago. She stared into its depths, hoping it could do the same for her.

Shaking off her reverie, she set down her bag and began sifting through its contents. Intrigued, Cloud did nothing but watch. A few moments allowed the girl to pull out two pairs of cuffs and a black drawstring bag. It was an odd assortment of items, to say the least, and it only intrigued Cloud further. He watched her kneel in prayer for a moment, and took her stillness as an opportunity to admire her once again.

Ethereal light reflecting from the pool's surface highlighted her soft features, made somehow more beautiful in spite of their sad expression. Her full lips curved and bent in the utterance of her prayer, though it took Cloud's mind to less holy places. Glints of purple seemed to spark more sharply when the pure light landed upon her hair, as mysterious in their origin as the girl herself. Her whole appearance seemed so otherworldly, Cloud was not entirely certain he had not simply dreamed of her arrival.

The chapel had been his refuge since he'd fled Seventh Heaven. Cloud Strife could fight monsters and people. He could conquer aeons and save the world. Cloud Strife could not fight the guilt that tore at his soul. He had made it through Aerith's death by ignoring the pain until he moved on, but with all that had happened to Tahri, the old wounds bled anew. He had exposed his heart a second time and as strong as he may seem, he was not strong enough to watch it be torn to shreds again. So he'd fled to the only place that brought him peace.

The sharp clicking up the cuffs drew his attention from his daydreams. In his moment of distraction she had clipped her ankles into one pair of the cuffs and had the other pair dangling from one wrist. Tahri stood and turned her back to the pool before slipping the dark cloth over her head. Still perplexed, the blond man took a step forward. The woman tightened the drawstring, then let her hand meet with the other as she struggled to attach the other cuff. Having successfully done this, she whispered a broken goodbye to her surroundings and fell backwards into the pool.


End file.
